Bye.

Everything was okkk today except for some part.
I didn't know what to do at times. Times i would just cry in the bathroom & walk out smiling & chatting happily to my sister, and i just did.
I know my fringe is way too long & my skirt is short. But i did explained that i do not have a longer skirt as the other one is washing. Why do you have to scream at me?

Don't i deserve any pride? Im a student afterall, even though i'm a prefect, but this doesn't mean that i'm perfect. Don't force me to say things that aren't from my heart, cos' i don't wear a mask. But after today, i finally understood that i've to wear a mask to make everyone happy.

When i told my friends i'm okay, i'm actually not. I need a million of hugs to make me feel much better, i've been scolded as if i just murdered someone when it's because of my attire only. & im not the only one that couldn't pass your standard. But why do you choose to shout at me? I think i should deserve some pride afterall, i'm not a toy for you to step on. I need my pride, & if you don't respect me, why should i respect you? & please don't say that i've change alot from the sweet 2i1 girl to the problematic 3s5 student. Just b'cos a 1 sounds nicer than a 5 doesn't means that i'm stupid, or problematic. All i did was having a long fringe and a short skirt, if that is so, everyone is.

I could never know how strong i am in holding my tears back untill today. When i was cheering, i was crying deep down. The stares that they gave, looking at my actions, skirt, constanly reminding of my hair, is the worst i ever suffered in my life. The stares they gave are killers, silence killers. I felt like an ailen, that it make them shot those eyes at me, as if i just came from pluto & speaking another weird language, looking like a gitz or something.

On the bus back to fuhua was a tough job to make me smile, i could be singing, laughing, crapping, but actually i'm feeling a million worst then. I just felt like breaking down & say how humilated i feel. After the bus trip home, i say byebye to chyiyin & heanggee, after i alighted, i finally broke down the moment i stepped down the bus. For all i could remember, there was weird stares all around, but i don't care, i had the worst stares this afternoon. & i have listened to the most humilated words, trying to say i'm a bimbo, a problematic student, trying to attract guys, & things like as if i'm a NT student(and mind you, so what if NT students walk that way, my 1r8 is a NT class, but they are at least better than you), shouting me in front of so many people, pulling my hair, skirt, forcing me to say that i've change alot, what worst can i get? I felt like a bitch.

& i was so touched when mardi, javan, siying, cindy, gabbie, noppadol and guys danced the it's alright song for me. I could just cry into tons of tears, & i was actually thinking"if only i wasn't there", things would be better. Won't it? My eyes had infection again, due to too much crying, & i felt so useless.

Afterall, i think i should just wear a mask and be the good girl that they want me to be. So everyone would be pleased. Dressing up aint' a sin, judging me is.The girl i see in the mirror smile fakely to me, and it blur my vision. There's Bio pop quiz tomorrow and i haven study a single thing, why can't the teachers be more appreciative of all the things the prefects have done? Does we look as if we are born to do all these things, we are normal students too. I have oral on tuesday & now i'm talking like a kitten, & there's chem test on wednesday too.

Maths is the thing i really can't get it. I did studied it, but when i got back my test results, i questioned myself again and again, why can't i do it? I felt so uttterly useless. & chemistry too, when i thought i understand what the teacher is talking, i felt then that i really don't. I must have been insane to choose a triple sci class, no 8 sub. I must be seriously insane then.

I need perhaps, a million years, to understand myself better. By then, i would be gone, from this cold world, this reality, & from your memories.

I know that im still holding on, someday, when i don't, & when i got froze in time,
please, know that i love you.
Sawyi.